My poisonous inner chatterbox

I have a voice in my head. We all do, I think. When I’m ok, not tired, and not in too much pain, I’m fine, and can ignore it. But it has been nagging me a bit lately.

It says things like “you’re lazy, you’re weak, you’re pathetic and you don’t pull your weight.”

The rational me replies “no, I’m not, and I do everything I can do”.

But if I’m tired, or having a back “episode”, or in pain anywhere else, I actually tend to believe the poisonous voice. Then I recognise the “wimpy” me, and I hate her. That doesn’t actually help much, because the “wimpy” me is just me, I’m just giving her/myself a very hard time, for no real reason.

It has taken me a very long time to come to terms with the new “me”. The old “me” could eat almost anything and not  put on weight, could run around all day, sleep like a log and be fine the next day, remember things with no problems, swim 30 lengths a week, and was always busy, busy, busy. The new “me” is almost the polar opposite. And the new “me” has been around for almost 15 years now, so you’d think I’d be ok with her. And mostly I am.

But sometimes I’m not. So what I try to do is remember that it’s ok to be me, it’s ok to be tired, in pain, and not up to much. It might not be fun, but it’s just part of my life.

I try not to complain or whinge too much, or even at all. I actually burst into tears the other day because hubby was explaining something about his hi-fi which I just don’t understand. I felt really stupid. So he cuddled me and said I wasn’t stupid. Which was nice. So I stopped crying.

And my life is generally fabulous. My two daughters have grown into wonderful people, who are funny and strong and happy and healthy, living lovely lives with their respective blokes. My gift to the world. Hubby is the kindest man, cooks all the meals, does the housework, his own ironing, and is a sweetheart. His sons are delightful. Between us we now have three sons, two daughters and six grandchildren! I love my knitting, my crochet, my guitar, and bake when I can.

I don’t think that the words “should”, “ought” and “must” are very helpful really. I try to avoid them as much as possible. I do what I feel I need to. If I am weepy, in pain and tired, I take painkillers and go back to bed for a nap whatever time of day it is. I have a cup of tea when I wake up. I try to eat healthy foods, and am about to embark on a “no bowls of cereal just before bed” regime. I discovered cereal is full of calories, and that’s great first thing in the morning, but not so great last thing at night. I’ve gained 7 lbs over Christmas, and want to lose it. So. No choccy in the week, no cereal at night. We shall see.

Next blog I’ll try to be a bit more cheerful!

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